Black Friday Obituaries

Ross Rossly, age 29, died early Friday morning of hypothermia while holding his first place in line for three weeks in front of a Walgreens in order to obtain the door prize of half price prescriptions for a year.

Maylene Matthews, age 93, died Friday after a 25-foot tower of iPod Nanos collapsed in a local Best Buy. She is survived by her two-for-one purchase of Sony Blu-ray players and Season 4 of Burn Notice.

Henry Hopefuls, age 28, died Friday after being gored and trampled by a Bull outside his place of work, a local Target Superstore. The Bull, “Big Steve”, was on display for a promotional campaign by Red Bull outside the store for waiting customers, when the store opened and the crowed rushed the store, Big Steve got spooked and charged the first red object in his sight, which was Henry.

Darcey-May Williams, age 48, was trampled to death Friday by a crowd rushing to a Coldstone Creamery, when it was announce that they would be giving out free ice-cream with the purchase of 3 Christmas frost mugs.

Marma Dukes, age 52, died from self-inflicted stab wounds after not being one of the first 100 people to buy the limited edition Twilight saga DVD set, in which they would receive two tickets to the new Twilight Breaking Dawn movie and a life size cardboard cutout of Edward. She survives by her Twilight fan fiction club, the Twi-Knights

Donny Jebley, age 37, died Friday from a bear attack while waiting in line outside of a Build-A-Bear Workshop in Anchorage, Alaska. Donny loved building bears. He is survived his previous 74 Build-A-Bears.

TeaLeaf Peters, age 33, died Friday after covering his body in hot molten tar in a “Occupy Black Friday” protest in front of a local Wal-Mart. 99% of the witnesses confirmed this was not a good idea. He survives though his drum circle and his lingering smell of Jasmine and fish tacos.

My man, Hogan, and I have been plotting to start a movie production company for a quite sometime now. Not just any movie production company, but one where we take famous films and make them into thought provoking Christian movies! Kind of like those brand-parody Christian Shirts but for the silver screen.

We finally narrowed it down to our first 11 motion pictures!

Coming to a Chapel Multiplex near you!

I cannot believe I’ve never ranted and raved about design matters on the blog before! I know, probably because it doesn’t involve time travel, mythical creatures or beards… but it feels like it’s time to really lay down some hard lines on what is epic and what is epic fail. I speak of bad bad fonts! Fonts that are so bad, it makes beards fall off the faces of Titans, wings shrivel off angels, and horns recede back into the skulls of unicorns. I mainly speak of the unspeakable Big 5 Bad Fonts; Comic Sans, Curlz MT, Wide Latin, Jokerman LET, and PAPYRUS!

Now considering that there are not really any truly horrifyingly bad fonts, it mainly falls on execution of the designer’s part. (or should I say NON-designers?) But let’s say that %99.999 of the time it brings eyes to bleed regardless.

Now, it is to my point that I will show you examples of the horrors these fonts bring, followed by the heroic attempt to successfully design with these abominations. Enjoy!

Exhibit 1: Comic Sans

The Problem with this little devil of a font is that is everyone and their mother believe that this is a good failsafe way to get their no-so-exciting message across in a lighthearted and playful way. But in reality this font reads condescendingly, as if you were a 2-year-old, and whatever bread-stale message that is being communicated will go down as a sugary soft iced cream made by Fairies from Planet Gumdrops. So with that said, here is the “sucessful” way to use Comic Sans:

Now if you are Mrs. Randle, and you have the pain-sake of having to waste your summer away teaching children who can’t spell “diligence”, grab your latest Oriental Trader Catalog and purchase the finest Comic Sans bulletin board letters your summer wages can buy! (That is if your school doesn’t have Microsoft Publisher, of course)

Exhibit 2: Curlz MT

Poor little Jimmy. Not only does he get his heart ripped out from his rib cage, but he has to fight through the tears to read this frilly mess only to shed more tears when he can actually make out what it is saying. Stay strong Jimmy, because who wants to be with someone who is so enthralled with a font that looks like each character was made with the hairs off a beetle’s backside? Not me, Jimmy, not me. You are better off. Here’s a slightly better way this font can be used:

That’s right! Keep the tweeny girl font with with tweeny girl products. They can learn how to become proper young ladies while they text their LOLz in frilly curly Curlz.

Exhibit 3: WIIIIIDDDDEEE LAAAATIIINNN

All I can really say about this one is never trust a typeface that its characters are WIDER than they are tall. I mean, honestly how could you trust a product that uses something so ironically different than what they are trying to convey? It just shows that what ever they’re putting into this elixir are hormones, chemicals and sugar that probably give you some sort of blood disease. Or Diabetes. Here’s a what this font is only good for:

Now there’s a good idea! Keep wide Latin fonts with wide Latin design! Note: Wide Latin only looks good on a burlap bag with “¡!” and a Latin country attached. (Also, I wouldn’t really promote going to Mexico, but that’s another post all together)

Exhibit 4: Jokerman LET

Let’s just say off the start, I’ve never seen a funeral home with a bad typeface before, but that’s not to say it couldn’t happen! I wouldn’t even like to see a Jokerman’s costume shop use Jokerman LET, but that’s not to say it wouldn’t happen! This is just an all out assault on the eyes and brain! I mean, maybe a clown funeral home…which brings me to my next example:

Ah yes… a font with an assault on the eyes would happily pair with an occupation that is an assault on the eyes…and the mind… and the body in some cases… but nevertheless Jokerman LET fits in right at home next to epileptic terror. (No, I do not know this clown. Yes, I got it off the internets. No, I’m not worried this clown will find me and shoot me with his water boutonniere. Yes, he will probably haunt my dreams.)

Exhibit 5: PAPYRUS!

Now it is with great pain that I tell you this example is very real. Churches all across the globe settle for this insidious demon of a font, all because it looks like authentic chiselings from an Old Testiment prophet. Even the highest grossing movie of all time used Papyrus as its alien subtitles. (Maybe because only a demonic alien race could brainwash humans to use such a crap factory of a font.) Notice how the “F” and the “B” are both giving you the evil eye, while the “p” and “y” are both dangling like a serpent’s tail. Now I could write an entire manifesto that would take up an entire blog on just Papyrus alone, but I will spare all of us the hate and rage. There is only one way I could EVER EVER think that Papyrus could be used that wouldn’t make every hair on my body stand at attention. And it’s almost against every bone in my body to do so, but I must. Lord, forgive me:

(I can’t believe I just put a check below Papyrus)

Yes, Pretzel Sticks. Maybe Papyrus missed its true calling. Seeing that Papyrus looks like it was designed out of pretzel sticks, it would make a lot of sense to use them to promote pretzel sticks. Coarse, salty and dry pretzel sticks. Surely not top self pretzels, but maybe overstock discount grocery “quality” at best. And keep them away from children! (and Presidents)

So there you have it! I have made bland lemonade out of rotten, fruit fly infested lemons! Now to end on a positive note; how to make an awesome font look even more awesomely awesome:

Look at it shine!

I’ve been working out, lately. But not like that sweaty mustachio dude with the sleeveless sweatshirt and suspenders, hulking up the 50 lb. dumb bell while looking at himself in the mirror. No, more like that really sweaty dude on the Tortureplex Quad-Master, wearing the white undershirt and the eight year old gym shorts from that one weight lifting class in college that was dropped after a week. Oh and don’t forget the black socks with sneakers with no tread. That’s me.

It doesn’t help that these Tortureplex Quad-Master Machines are always built for 5’5″ women.  But there you are, dangling off the end of the bench. 40% focusing on reps and 60% thinking about how ridiculous you look. Then there’s the guys across the gym in the free weight area who are Hammer pressing 5 ba-gillion pounds and giving each other high fives. When deciding to venture there, among the smell of rubber, steel and gym socks, everyone is looking at you as if you wearing a neon unitard. As you bench press that 100 pounds all you can think about is not dropping that bar on your face! This is the gym.

Since when did Man decide that in order to maintain their physical fitness they had to go inside smelly office-like buildings (calling it a  “gym” and dropping the “nasium”) and move plates up and down? Where’s the practicality in that? There was a time when boys went into forests and came out barrel-chested men! (Mainly it’s because they were tasked to kill some sort of beast, but that usually happened after they had to move around a lot of boulders before becoming strong enough!)  Men shouldn’t be moving plates around, they should be throwing large rocks or uprooting trees!

This is why I’ve decided to make my backyard into a rugged physical training sanctum! There will be no metal and rubber weights or plates, but only rocks, boulders, logs, barrels, and the occasional primitive pulley system.

Instead of free weights, there will be free rocks!
Instead of the bench press, you will push a fallen tree off your body in order to breathe!
Instead of curls, you’ll dig a post hole and lift a log in and out of it!
Instead of zumba, there will be stomping around the yard to AC/DC’s “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” in the cold mud!
Instead of the tredmill, you will run through a gauntlet of swinging spiked logs and falling debris!
Instead of yoga, you will be buried alive and have to dig your way out to the surface!
Instead of spin class, there will be bear wrestling!
And instead of a Sauna or Steam room, you can be eaten by the bear whole if that’s your fancy.

I tell you, it will be magnificent!

Guy From Flex-Mart: “Yeah bra, my routine is killa dog! I start by toning my pecks and ceps, then I go into a quick set on my quads, and then slowly work into a slow burn on my lower trig-ceps while I tone my quids.”
Guy From my Outdoor Sanctum: “Yeah well, I pitch about 100 melon sized rocks across the yard then go pick them up and make a chimney with them, Then I juggle freshly cut logs of timber while getting repeatedly pelted in the sternum with marbles, and finally finishing off by climbing an 80 foot tree and punching a condor in the face!
Guy From Flex-Mart: Wow how much do you pay for that?
Guy form my Outdoor Sanctum: Just in blood, sweat, and man tears (you know, the kind you cried at the end of Rudy?)

So the construction starts Wednesday. I plan on digging everything out with my hands to make it legit. If any one knows where I can get a Condor, let me know.

Clone me once, and send that clone to the past to have Evil-Michael Clone Sons, shame on you! Clone me twice, and send that No-So-Evil Clone further into the past to have  Not-So-Evil-Michael Clone Grandsons to wage clone war with the Evil-Michael Clone Sons, shame on me. shame on SCIENCE!

I have to admit it is very confusing. Just like I was confused when he came back. He, as in ME! Or should I say, Future Me.

It if you haven’t heard of the first visit of my future self, I suggest you read “Pictures of the Past from the Future?” But let me recap it for you; My future self visited me one night, two years ago, to warn me that in the Future I would clone myself, then that clone would become evil and then travel back in time to make evil offspring that would corrupt and alter time as we know it! He then gave me old pictures of these men and information on who they were.

Little did I know what my future self would be a repeat offender.

It was late Halloween night. I was fast asleep with my wife beside me, when I was nudged awake;

“Michael! Arise! I must speak to you in dire matters!”
“Father?!”
“No– Again, with the dad thing, I’m not your dad. I am YOU! FUTURE YOU!
“Shhhh! Stop shouting! You’ll wake Tara! What do you want?”
“I am here tell you about The Secret Michael Clone War that is going to take place, or took place, really.”
“Whaaa? That doesn’t even make sense!?”
“After visiting your Crow’s Nest, I returned to the future to work on cloning us again! But this time with the correct data that would produce a ‘Not-So-Evil’ clone this time (or that time) Then I sent him further into the past then our Evil Michael Clone went, in which he will (or did) congress with specific women, in which their grandchildren would then be living at the same time, age and location as the Evil-Michael Clone Sons. If all goes correctly, they will eliminate the Evil-Michael Clone Sons….(or did….I don’t know it is all confusing to me, honestly, the more I think about it….) in a secret clone war!”
“…ok…that sounds completely ridiculous.”
“Let me show you a simple diagram of what I mean:”

“So what can I actually do here?!”
“Take these senior pictures. These are our agents. Our Not-So-Evil-Michael Clone Grandsons, if you will. We do not know much about them, only what they looked like around the same time as the other clones.”

“-oh my.”
“Yes. Indeed. Science can be disturbing, but a necessity.”

It is a mystery to me still to this day about what might have happened in the secret clone war. I’m sure it was more interesting than Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones. That was dreadful.

Ahhhhh weddings….. Today we are attending the first wedding since our own.  And what a merry merry good ol’ time they are! It was great doin’ it but it was a lot of gull darn work! And I’m not talkin’ the good kind of work like the “axing down an 80 year old timber and making it into a white water  pontoon” sort of work, no I’m referring to the “putting bows on all the center pieces” kind of work! Or the “playing passive aggressive mental chess with your fiance on what color of cumber bun you want your groomsmen to wear” type of work!

But I’m not here to tell you about all the hard work. No! I’m here to make you RELAX! I want you to unwind from whatever your are doing and take a few moments to to hear our story of our wedding venture in the form of a HAIKU! In fact it’s called a WEDDKU! Hear the sounds of the bliss!

If you will, or have, learned anything from me, it is that I know how to do two things very well; Sing the epic ballad of how I slew the dragon, or tell how I lulled the dragon to sleep with a haiku. Indeed!

Now, if you haven’t read or listened to my famous Thaiku, I suggest you do this prerequisite first.

I am also going to reluctantly  post the weddku so can read it, but I STRONGLY encourage you to listen to it, to get the maximum experience or Let There Be Blog has to offer.

So RELAX, lay down, put a warm moist towel over your face (or pull out those ear phones at work and close your eyes) and enjoy this three and a half minute audio of nature’s music mixed with hypnotic voices or Michael J and Tara Jean.

Weddku (Click here now. Obviously)

Weddku
By Michael and Tara Sanders

Wedding Day is Here
Dating’s solemn journey ends
behold Love’s splender!

The Registry Sings!
waste baskets and mattress pads
opera of our home

Cake Foul, find baker
Sugar and Flour Mountain
Tiers of Joy and sponge

Bird cage center piece
Caged candle of fire and wax
Where did the bird go?

The Heat of July
Cook groomsmen like burning log
Sweaty Tuxedos

The Bridal Party
Floating down the aisle with glee
Wild flowers dancing

Ring bearer child boy
Pitter patter little feet
Bringing golden rings

The Bride and the Groom
Towering over most guests
Trees over bushes

Chrystal in the Air
The murmurs of giddy kin
Toasts to years of bliss

The Dancefloor’s aflame
Primal movements conga line
Stir in the night winds

Rice flies seeds airborne
Bride and Groom scurry away
Doves eat rice and choke

Honeymooners glee
set sail for tranquility
Snorkel Jubilee

I HAVE RETURNED!

The time has come to reunite with what has been lost and now is found. Words cannot express the sorrow I’ve felt being away for the last 353 days. I’ve been busy exploring wastelands, wandering, making blood oaths, time traveling, getting married – you name it, it has happened!

But alas the stars have aligned, and on the 10th day of the 10th month of the 10th year (give or take 4 days…) the new blog is up, and I am here to stay. Like Magellan, I have returned from my voyage with many spices of that boldness. (yes, Magellan died by the hands of native jerks, but that’s not the point…)

And one thing Magellan didn’t make it home with (other than his life) was a warrior bride. I am referring to my noble newly wife Tara Jean. The Tower has its Queen to compliment its King!

You might still be asking “Yes Michael, that’s great, but why? Why haven’t you blogged and let us drink the dew of your words? Why?!?”

Well, in between the designing, the wedding planning, the video gaming, and all the general bliss of 2010, I was cast into a void of stifled creativity. My Creative Ideation was frozen in place like Han Solo in carbonate! I was bound in a silvery metal of responsibility and obligation. In the deep abyss of creative depression, I needed a new way to harness the old weapon of my imaginative mojo. I had to think of a way to wield the weapon once again! Unlike Han Solo, who was later released from the carbonate by Princess Leah, I had this dream;

In depths of my subconscious solitude, I found my hands and legs bound in chains as I floated in a purply green atmospheric space. In the distance a giant green cloud grew. The cloud then formed into a snarling grizzly bear! I felt doomed as I drifted closer to the gnarly yellow teeth of this beast, when suddenly two angelic Unicorned–Pegasuses (Pegasi?) appeared! One was holding an M16 firing lightning bolts while the other was holding an M16 firing tornados! Both of them stepped in and slew the mightily Bear cloud. The Unicorned–Pegasi both then approached me saying, “We have slain the Bear of Despondency and Boredom! You are now free! This is your world once again!” And they disappeared.

Still in chains, I could not take it anymore and cried out into the Heavens:

LET THERE BE BLOG!!!!

I then woke up.

So this here blog was made. A blog made anew.

So I have returned with a large sea container full of ideas, schemes, theories, queries, ponderings, and ramblings that I will unleash in a fiery bombardment of awesomeness! BAAWHA!

Let the new era of Let There be Blog begin!

Tune in for the epic Wedding entry coming very very soon!

Well, Happy Fall-tivities everyone! We are approaching the treasured “Fall Solstice” (Yes, I am aware that there is a fall equinox which was Sept. 22.) I am referring to the fall solstice, where we will dress up as our best Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze and other celebrity zombies, or skimpy harlot versions of our favorite childhood cartoon characters. That’s right folks I’m referring to HALLOWEEN!

But I would like to address something different today; the oddity that is Candy Corn. This season, whether you absolutely love it or your teeth shake with fear and your stomach rises, you must and will face, if you haven’t already, the waxy icon that shimmers white, orange and yellow.

There is really little actually known about the this candy. The main facts are that they were made by some dude 120 years ago. He was also probably the first person to die from diabetes. A victim of his own candied creation.

…OR that’s what they’ll tell you! Legend tells that this man stole the recipe  from Native American witch doctors that would use Candy Corn to raise dogs and cats from the dead in order to protect their people from rodents with the hantavirus.

They called it “Canoco Maize,” which in navajo means “pointy corn that is striped.”

They would also  use them as an alternative to arrowheads to give their enemies instant diabetes in battle.

After the recipe was stole by the white man, witch doctors cursed white men to generations of obesity and cavities. And here we are today!

There are three parts to the Candy Corn

• The Corn – the brain or crown of the candy. It is the source of all it’s savory power
• The Candy Center – where are all the sugar neutrons are stored
• The Tip – the window into the candy’s true colors (which is a glazed slightly transparent white)

(if you can’t see the image, click here)

Now there are many many ways to eat candy corn, with different results as well. I took it upon myself to test every possible scenario of candy corn eating and binging.
(And trust me, it only took me about 7 pieces until I wanted to chug down a bottle of pepto mixed with mouthwash and baking soda.)

These were the results of the test:

(if you can’t see the image, click here)

As you can see there more that 33 possible scenarios, mutiplied over and over by stomach-aching repetition.

So that’s Candy Corn for you. And it doesn’t matter how many times you let burned, you’ll do it all over again this time ever year.

Happy Candy Corning to you!

BAMB! ZIP! POW!

Let There Blog is back with fiery vengeance! With new passions to burn into your retinas!

I have returned The Far East. Where I have learned the ways of the Thai.  I can talk or write about my travels for days upon days upon weeks upon years… But upon my enlightening experiences, the best way, the only way, to tell you what I have experienced is through THAIKU.

Yes that is right! Thaikus are my Haikus about the Kingdom of Thailand. But it is truly best and wise for you to indulge my proverbs through AUDIO form. That right, AUDIO! So either read on, or feed your ears my delicious words that would charm a fire breathing Griffon to a restful purr.

Right-Click Here to save the audio or just click it to listen

THAIKUS
by Michael Sanders©

One Night in Bangkok
Where Swooning over Swine Flu
becomes summer breeze

Thailand loves their king
Like the Sloth bear eats honey
Blamelessly content

Jungles cover walls
Elephants eat bananas
Burning Thai Massage

Rice and Thai Noodles
Go down like soft rose peddles 
My insides rebuke

Geckos sing their praise
Eating mosquitos swiftly
Die you bug demons

Children crave english
Like Americans eat food
Sweet delicious food

Dollars can go far
Like Monkeys throw sugar dung
Cheap and good for laughs

The pit of Buddah
Removed from peach of reason
God Bless the mango

Canvas phanny packs
Burn to the bodies of man
Tourist lemon funk

Refugees party
Fireworks in squatty pots
Dance like herbs in breeze

Dogs control the streets
meep meep! Move off the road dog!
Here comes the tut tut

The Burmese Army
SPDC punk @sses
Go Swine Flu yourself

Airplane screaming child
Sleep like wise bonsai tree
And shut your face please

Tunic sensation
Woven by spider angels
Tight across my chest

Introducing The First Class of the Future Michael Sanders Internship Program of America! We have:

Carl Spiess
Andress Boggs
Brandon Buckner
Tara Barone
Ryan Spilhaus
Abigail Gustine
Alex Witherow
Amanda Foster
Kent Walter
Claudia DeVuono (not pictured)