I cannot believe I’ve never ranted and raved about design matters on the blog before! I know, probably because it doesn’t involve time travel, mythical creatures or beards… but it feels like it’s time to really lay down some hard lines on what is epic and what is epic fail. I speak of bad bad fonts! Fonts that are so bad, it makes beards fall off the faces of Titans, wings shrivel off angels, and horns recede back into the skulls of unicorns. I mainly speak of the unspeakable Big 5 Bad Fonts; Comic Sans, Curlz MT, Wide Latin, Jokerman LET, and PAPYRUS!

Now considering that there are not really any truly horrifyingly bad fonts, it mainly falls on execution of the designer’s part. (or should I say NON-designers?) But let’s say that %99.999 of the time it brings eyes to bleed regardless.

Now, it is to my point that I will show you examples of the horrors these fonts bring, followed by the heroic attempt to successfully design with these abominations. Enjoy!

 

Exhibit 1: Comic Sans

 

The Problem with this little devil of a font is that is everyone and their mother believe that this is a good failsafe way to get their no-so-exciting message across in a lighthearted and playful way. But in reality this font reads condescendingly, as if you were a 2-year-old, and whatever bread-stale message that is being communicated will go down as a sugary soft iced cream made by Fairies from Planet Gumdrops. So with that said, here is the “sucessful” way to use Comic Sans:

 

 

Now if you are Mrs. Randle, and you have the pain-sake of having to waste your summer away teaching children who can’t spell “diligence”, grab your latest Oriental Trader Catalog and purchase the finest Comic Sans bulletin board letters your summer wages can buy! (That is if your school doesn’t have Microsoft Publisher, of course)

 

 

Exhibit 2: Curlz MT

 

Poor little Jimmy. Not only does he get his heart ripped out from his rib cage, but he has to fight through the tears to read this frilly mess only to shed more tears when he can actually make out what it is saying. Stay strong Jimmy, because who wants to be with someone who is so enthralled with a font that looks like each character was made with the hairs off a beetle’s backside? Not me, Jimmy, not me. You are better off. Here’s a slightly better way this font can be used:

 

That’s right! Keep the tweeny girl font with with tweeny girl products. They can learn how to become proper young ladies while they text their LOLz in frilly curly Curlz.

 

Exhibit 3: WIIIIIDDDDEEE LAAAATIIINNN

 

All I can really say about this one is never trust a typeface that its characters are WIDER than they are tall. I mean, honestly how could you trust a product that uses something so ironically different than what they are trying to convey? It just shows that what ever they’re putting into this elixir are hormones, chemicals and sugar that probably give you some sort of blood disease. Or Diabetes. Here’s a what this font is only good for:

 

Now there’s a good idea! Keep wide Latin fonts with wide Latin design! Note: Wide Latin only looks good on a burlap bag with “¡!” and a Latin country attached. (Also, I wouldn’t really promote going to Mexico, but that’s another post all together)

 

Exhibit 4: Jokerman LET

Let’s just say off the start, I’ve never seen a funeral home with a bad typeface before, but that’s not to say it couldn’t happen! I wouldn’t even like to see a Jokerman’s costume shop use Jokerman LET, but that’s not to say it wouldn’t happen! This is just an all out assault on the eyes and brain! I mean, maybe a clown funeral home…which brings me to my next example:

 

Ah yes… a font with an assault on the eyes would happily pair with an occupation that is an assault on the eyes…and the mind… and the body in some cases… but nevertheless Jokerman LET fits in right at home next to epileptic terror. (No, I do not know this clown. Yes, I got it off the internets. No, I’m not worried this clown will find me and shoot me with his water boutonniere. Yes, he will probably haunt my dreams.)

 

Exhibit 5: PAPYRUS!

 

Now it is with great pain that I tell you this example is very real. Churches all across the globe settle for this insidious demon of a font, all because it looks like authentic chiselings from an Old Testiment prophet. Even the highest grossing movie of all time used Papyrus as its alien subtitles. (Maybe because only a demonic alien race could brainwash humans to use such a crap factory of a font.) Notice how the “F” and the “B” are both giving you the evil eye, while the “p” and “y” are both dangling like a serpent’s tail. Now I could write an entire manifesto that would take up an entire blog on just Papyrus alone, but I will spare all of us the hate and rage. There is only one way I could EVER EVER think that Papyrus could be used that wouldn’t make every hair on my body stand at attention. And it’s almost against every bone in my body to do so, but I must. Lord, forgive me:

 

 

(I can’t believe I just put a check below Papyrus)

Yes, Pretzel Sticks. Maybe Papyrus missed its true calling. Seeing that Papyrus looks like it was designed out of pretzel sticks, it would make a lot of sense to use them to promote pretzel sticks. Coarse, salty and dry pretzel sticks. Surely not top self pretzels, but maybe overstock discount grocery “quality” at best. And keep them away from children! (and Presidents)

 

So there you have it! I have made bland lemonade out of rotten, fruit fly infested lemons! Now to end on a positive note; how to make an awesome font look even more awesomely awesome:

 

Look at it shine!