I’ve been working out, lately. But not like that sweaty mustachio dude with the sleeveless sweatshirt and suspenders, hulking up the 50 lb. dumb bell while looking at himself in the mirror. No, more like that really sweaty dude on the Tortureplex Quad-Master, wearing the white undershirt and the eight year old gym shorts from that one weight lifting class in college that was dropped after a week. Oh and don’t forget the black socks with sneakers with no tread. That’s me.

It doesn’t help that these Tortureplex Quad-Master Machines are always built for 5’5″ women.  But there you are, dangling off the end of the bench. 40% focusing on reps and 60% thinking about how ridiculous you look. Then there’s the guys across the gym in the free weight area who are Hammer pressing 5 ba-gillion pounds and giving each other high fives. When deciding to venture there, among the smell of rubber, steel and gym socks, everyone is looking at you as if you wearing a neon unitard. As you bench press that 100 pounds all you can think about is not dropping that bar on your face! This is the gym.

Since when did Man decide that in order to maintain their physical fitness they had to go inside smelly office-like buildings (calling it a  “gym” and dropping the “nasium”) and move plates up and down? Where’s the practicality in that? There was a time when boys went into forests and came out barrel-chested men! (Mainly it’s because they were tasked to kill some sort of beast, but that usually happened after they had to move around a lot of boulders before becoming strong enough!)  Men shouldn’t be moving plates around, they should be throwing large rocks or uprooting trees!

This is why I’ve decided to make my backyard into a rugged physical training sanctum! There will be no metal and rubber weights or plates, but only rocks, boulders, logs, barrels, and the occasional primitive pulley system.

Instead of free weights, there will be free rocks!
Instead of the bench press, you will push a fallen tree off your body in order to breathe!
Instead of curls, you’ll dig a post hole and lift a log in and out of it!
Instead of zumba, there will be stomping around the yard to AC/DC’s “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” in the cold mud!
Instead of the tredmill, you will run through a gauntlet of swinging spiked logs and falling debris!
Instead of yoga, you will be buried alive and have to dig your way out to the surface!
Instead of spin class, there will be bear wrestling!
And instead of a Sauna or Steam room, you can be eaten by the bear whole if that’s your fancy.

I tell you, it will be magnificent!

Guy From Flex-Mart: “Yeah bra, my routine is killa dog! I start by toning my pecks and ceps, then I go into a quick set on my quads, and then slowly work into a slow burn on my lower trig-ceps while I tone my quids.”
Guy From my Outdoor Sanctum: “Yeah well, I pitch about 100 melon sized rocks across the yard then go pick them up and make a chimney with them, Then I juggle freshly cut logs of timber while getting repeatedly pelted in the sternum with marbles, and finally finishing off by climbing an 80 foot tree and punching a condor in the face!
Guy From Flex-Mart: Wow how much do you pay for that?
Guy form my Outdoor Sanctum: Just in blood, sweat, and man tears (you know, the kind you cried at the end of Rudy?)

So the construction starts Wednesday. I plan on digging everything out with my hands to make it legit. If any one knows where I can get a Condor, let me know.