Black Friday Obituaries

Ross Rossly, age 29, died early Friday morning of hypothermia while holding his first place in line for three weeks in front of a Walgreens in order to obtain the door prize of half price prescriptions for a year.

Maylene Matthews, age 93, died Friday after a 25-foot tower of iPod Nanos collapsed in a local Best Buy. She is survived by her two-for-one purchase of Sony Blu-ray players and Season 4 of Burn Notice.

Henry Hopefuls, age 28, died Friday after being gored and trampled by a Bull outside his place of work, a local Target Superstore. The Bull, “Big Steve”, was on display for a promotional campaign by Red Bull outside the store for waiting customers, when the store opened and the crowed rushed the store, Big Steve got spooked and charged the first red object in his sight, which was Henry.

Darcey-May Williams, age 48, was trampled to death Friday by a crowd rushing to a Coldstone Creamery, when it was announce that they would be giving out free ice-cream with the purchase of 3 Christmas frost mugs.

Marma Dukes, age 52, died from self-inflicted stab wounds after not being one of the first 100 people to buy the limited edition Twilight saga DVD set, in which they would receive two tickets to the new Twilight Breaking Dawn movie and a life size cardboard cutout of Edward. She survives by her Twilight fan fiction club, the Twi-Knights

Donny Jebley, age 37, died Friday from a bear attack while waiting in line outside of a Build-A-Bear Workshop in Anchorage, Alaska. Donny loved building bears. He is survived his previous 74 Build-A-Bears.

TeaLeaf Peters, age 33, died Friday after covering his body in hot molten tar in a “Occupy Black Friday” protest in front of a local Wal-Mart. 99% of the witnesses confirmed this was not a good idea. He survives though his drum circle and his lingering smell of Jasmine and fish tacos.