Hello, my old friend. It has been a long month now, since my last entry. There was a Writer’s Strike in The Mike Sanders Creative Thoughts Emporium, P.O. Box My Brain. I had realized that it would take some sort of time warp to bring back those sweet creative juices that flow so well from my head. It was just over a week ago that I had found some interesting school projects from my fourth grade years in some boxes in my mother’s garage.

I remember this creative piece well…
First off  it was 1993 or  1994, I was about 10 years old. In Mrs. Shandler’s fourth grade class, one the students’ creative arts project was to create a restaurant and design it’s menu. 

This is the menu I came up with:

oh       my       Lord.

Yes….read it carefully…. Handburger 99¢, Cheekburger $2.50, Nose Nuggets $1.50, Finger Dog 99¢, Tongue Sandwich $2.00, Blood Pizza $2.50, etc.

I know what you’re thinking…. and know what your questions might be:

(Man, I can’t believe how cheap the food is!) – Nay.

WHY in the world was this kid not shipped off to a special school, full of ADHD kids, safe-guard none sharp objects and feel good puppet shows?

Because I was just creatively “strange”. That, or not crazy enough. I knew this one kid, Gabe, who jumped up onto the desk and threatened to stab the teacher and his mom with a compass.
For the win.

WHO in the world would allow a child to make such a garbage, or not monitor their odd behavior?

My parents, God bless them. One being a preacher, and the other being a teacher, one would think that there would be no way for their child to know what a cannibal was, little less know who Hannibal Lector is. But parents who let their children watch rated R movies supervised, and regularly bought their son MAD Magazines would beg to differ.  

WHAT in the world was this child thinking!?

“hmmm….burger joint…..burgers….hamburgers…handburgers?….. Genius!”  And the rest was history.I had a creative niche and ran with it.

WHEN in the world, did the parents decide counseling was no longer an needed option fit for their kin?

I can image few red flags went up in my parents head, thinking, “Hey, let’s play this one out, Hun. Let’s see if Michael starts killing bunny rabbits or eating live chickens…If so, then we can get him counseling.”

“Oh dear, I hope you are right.” 

WHERE in the world was the teacher’s mind to accept this project?

I don’t know, but if you look at the bottom of the menu you will see the “A” followed by a “Clever”.  Eat that!

HOW would one “Eat that?” Or HOW would one order from this café?

Waiter: Hi, Welcome to Hannibal the Cannibal’s Café. I’m Gary, I’ll be your waiter today. Can I start you off with a Blood Shake or a Blood Tea?
Guest A: Yes I think I’ll have a Blood Shake.
Waiter: And You?
Guest B: Ummm, I think I’ll have a Slice.
Waiter: Do you want me to put a little blood in it?
Guest B: Ummm, no thanks.
Guest A: And I think we’re also ready to order?
Waiter: Ok! I’ll start with you: What would you like?
Guest A: I think I’ll have the Tongue Sandwich. And could i get that without pickles?
Waiter: No prob. And you?
Guest B: What kind of cheese do you use on the Blood pizza?
Waiter: Parmingiano – Reggiano
Guest B: Well actually I think I’ll have the Cheeckburger with a side order of Ear Chips.
Waiter: Okay.
Guest A: Oh and can you box up a order Nose Nuggets and an Eyeball Salad to go as well?
Waiter: Sure, Ok your food will be up in 10 to 15 minutes.
Guest A: Thank You.
Guest B: Wow all that food will come to just $9.15!
Guest A: Man we will have to come back here for Lunck every week.
Guest B: It sure pays being a cannibal!

Why the crap has the “future” that we were so very excited about, not happened yet? I mean the future that we were supposed to look forward to when we were kids?

I’m talking about Blade Runner and Back to the Future II depictions of the future! Flying cars, and hoverboards! WHERE IS MY HOVERBOARD?! It’s time to get to work people! Back to The Future II’s future takes place is in 2015. That gives us 7 years to get crackin’!

So what was it was about the 1980′s that got everyone so pumped for the future? Was it the Casio or was it laser tag?

If 1985 could talk to or check up on 2008 to see how the future was going how would the conversation go? I have an idea….

The Q & A Transcripts between 1985 and 2008 on the Topic of “The Future”

1985: Wow! I can’t believe I’m talking with 2008! WoOoOoOoWhoo!! USA! USA! USA!
2008: Yes. Thank you. It’s alright. You can sit down now.
1985: Ha! Sorry I’m just so excited!
2008: Oh it’s ok. I understand.
1985: Well as you know I’m 1985 and I’m SOOO excited about the future! So I guess I’ll just go right into the first question. How is SPACE?
2008: ahhh, well it’s fine, still. There are quite a few more satellites orbiting Earth.
1985: Oh cool…wait, you’re not living in space yet?
2008: No, I can’t say we are yet.
1985: ….huh.
2008: But I can say, one can book a space flight months and months in advance for thousands of dollars.
1985: That’s interesting I guess.
2008: Yeah. It’s not really a common thing people do.
1985: Oh. Well…tell me, what are flying cars like?
2008: Sorry, no flying cars have been invented yet.
1985:What! Really?
2008: Yeah. It’s a lot more complex than one would think. Especially with recent oil costs rising to almost $125 a barrel, it would make just as much sense to buy a plane. We Still have those!
1985: . . .
2008: We have and are making more Hybrid cars, which are cars with half fuel/half electric engines.
1985: Can they hover?
2008: No.
1985: Can anything hover, 2008?
2008:Well, nothing that can be commercially bought.
1985: Well what’s cutting edge?
2008: Well we have Segways
1985: What’s a Segway?
2008: It’s a machine you ride standing that has two wheel on the sides, and handles bars to steer.
1985: So…you’re saying you re-invited the scooter?
2008: It’s not a scooter, it’s a segway! It’s different. You have optimal balance!
1985: Ok, ok. What else is new?
2008: We have a computer that can fit onto a big envelope!
1985: So you can mail computers!?
2008: No– I mean, yes you can, but you don’t. You mail stuff through a computer it’s called “Email.”
1985: That’s nice — But back to flying cars..how long do you think until there are flying cars?
2008: Well honestly, they’re going to have to completely rethink the economic engineering of a new traffic system, and probably they will have discover a creeper more efficient material than oil for them to run on.
1985: …so?
2008: I say another 30 years. From me, not you.
1985: Well, any cool new cultural things or crazy styles?!
2008: Actually no… If you can believe it you are back in style. As in, the 80s are back in style.
1985: .… I am flattered, outraged, and baffled all at the same time!
2008: Yeah it’s kind of embarrassing now, come to think of it…
1985: Any robots or artificial intelligence?
2008: Just a few. There’s this flat one that can vacuum pretty well.
1985: Final Question: Is EPCOT Center still considered to be the “Community of Tomorrow”? Or has it be closed to the public and is now a Utopian future society that secretly harbors a alien robot army in it’s “Starship Earth?”
2008: No to both of those questions. The hype and excitement of EPCOT died swiftly in the early 90′s. It did for the future, what Jefferson Starship did for the music; absolutely nothing.
1985: Hey, I love that band!

I hate traffic. Especially my during my commute. DC traffic is the worst. I have to make a giant question-mark-shaped route just to be at work in less than a hour. I spend around $50 a week to fill up my gluttonous Jeep. Everyday it’s the same similar battle; Being stuck behind that fat cow on her phone in her PT Cruiser, who won’t merge.

“Why is this Lexus tailing me at 80 in the right lane?…go ahead pass!..figures Maryland plates!”

“Oh by all means Come on over into my lane, I wasn’t going to speed up anyway. In fact I was really waiting for you to come right in front of me because I really wanted descend into a nice 50 mile an hour pace, thanks!”

“Ooooo Look Everyone! A circus truck full of monkeys has flipped on it’s side! And the monkeys are loose all over the interstate and are throwing poo at all the cars! Let’s all slow down to a 15 mile an hour pace so we can rubber neck at those cute chimpos!

Traffic is War, my friends. That is why I am now making the necessary steps to turn my Jeep into Commuting War Machine! (Basically by turning my Jeep into a life size GI Joe vehicle!) And in no sense am I “Pimping” out my “ride”. That’s what thug teenagers do to their Acuras a month before they get it impounded or wrap it around a tree. I am “Fortifying” my “vehicle!”

Below is the basic blueprints of this fine machine, with in depth descriptions of all it’s standard features:

1. Stripes – The only thing on my Jeep that doesn’t really have a function. I just like stripes and it punches well of the green. So sue me.
2. Caged Windshield - Nothing says “I’m ready for virtually anything you throw at me!” like a caged-in window. It also helps support weight, and has a defrost function.
3. Super Omega Delta Nitro Boosters – Because the flames are SO “boss!”
4. Skull Grill Ornament – So the fat lady in the PT Cruiser knows that I mean business.
5. Satellite – This state of the art dish will be able to pick up police scanners, emergency signals, sonar, virtually clear CB radio channels for miles, XM radio and HBO OnDemand for guess in the back.
6. Quad Missile Launcher – I really don’t see any immediate use for this yet, but it looks so bad A, and it will come in handy if there’s a need to clear any rubble barricades or fallen trees.
7. Spinning Wheel Spikes -Like the mighty Ben-Hur, these will come in great use when someone tries whip around and pass the Jeep quickly. Think again.
8. Mini Torpedo Silo – If ever the chance the vehicle is partially submerged in water, torpedoes will be a valuable asset to clear hostile logs in the waters (ei. If the Potomac happens to flood in my commute.)
9. Duel Grappling Hooks - In times where one doesn’t feel like stop-and-go driving, this feature will make it possible for a “free ride” or tow.
10. Gatling Gun – Don’t worry I’ll get the permit for it…jeez!
11. The Unforgiving Diarrhea Gun – (My favorite feature) This state of the art tool shoots a small laser that liquefied people’s bowels, and 20 to 30 minutes later…well, you get the jest of it.
12. Mechanical Scorpion Tail - The Savage hammer of Tutankhamun is nothing to take lightly. But hopefully the big novelty boxing glove at the end will make it’s strike a little “less” extremely deadly.
13. Wings – Ahhh yes. When traffic is at an incredible cease, nothing is greater than the option to escape into the skies on a seconds notice.
14. Moving Text Display - I means to communicate with other drivers on the road (or to talk trash.) The display can also relay messages backwards for drivers to read though rear-view mirrors (ei. “If you could so kindly move into the right lane, so I may pass, that would be great. Thank You:) “

A few other interior features include: 6 disc CD changer, power adapter, beaded seat covers, CB Radio, adjustable cup holders, emergency road kit, TV/VCR, Blankets and a mini-fridge filled with Arizona Iced Tea.

Now, all I have to do is find that number of that one Lockheed Martin guy I kind of know, for a estimate. But for now…

TAKE A TEST DRIVE!

There comes a time in a man’s life when he must commit to take the magical steps of growing out the majesty that resides between the upper lip and the nostril cavities. I am referring to the mustache.

I speak of my mustacheal awaking. There are a few roads of facial hair realization (preach!) that a man must travel to reach Facial Hair Nation (preach it!) Sounds weird right? Don’t worry– It will make sense to you soon. Everyman’s journey is different. This is the account of mine:

The ROAD to Mustacheland:

* Starts to grow hairs on face unwillingly
* Refers to them as “Facial Hair”
* Learns to shave these hairs
* Learns to maintain these hairs
* Willingly grows hair out on upper-lip
o Shaves it immediately
* Grows hair on side of face
* Claims it as Sideburn County
* Maintains growth, then becomes the mighty Chops City
* Chops finally connect, making
BEARD COUNRTY
* BEARD COUNTRY opens its gates for a mustache state to creep in slowly
* Full Facial hair is acquired! The United Beard & Stache Alliance (UBSA) is formed
* BEARD COUNTRY has ascended into Heaven
* Mustache can finally stand alone in bask in its beauty and independence.
* The Declaration of Mustacheland is written!

Now, not every journey to a Facial Hair Nation is completed, sadly.

Even when some are acheived, they are “Third World” material (bald patches, spread out thin, etc.) And some that are too populated like China or India (Neck Beards anyone?)

So, in closing I will see how long “Mustacheland” lasts.

hmmm…where’s my beard trimmer…

This post is best read while listening to one of the following bands;

Anthrax, Dragonforce, Iron Maiden, Unearth, Darkest Hour etc.

Or if you don’t listen to Metal, then you might better understand what you’re missing, or even, what to stay away from.

I have discovered that Metal, or a lot of other fast and hard bands are great similes for the Dragon! Each and every part of the band can be broken down and compared to the elements of flight and fury that make up a beastly dragon.

The ANATOMY of a Dragon is a METAL Band

I. The Drums – The grizzly fluttering of their mighty wings.

Blast beats – Fast movements or high speed flight (especially when swooping down upon a feudal village or fighting another dragon.)

• Any band that doesn’t have blast beats might as well not have drums, therefore they don’t have wings–THEREFORE they are no dragon but a small weak lizard.

If a Metal band is a dragon, then that means Nickelback is salamander. Or Dave Matthew’s Band a newt.

Drum Fills – Any radical aerials or flips.

II. The Bass – The fast and sometimes ominous eyes of the firey beast, that keeps the rest on track.

• Trotting triplets – When the The dragon can dash his eyes back and forworth as he steadily hunts his pray and watches his back for cowardly noble lords.

A Metal band without a bass player is…well…still a Metal band, meaning the dragon is blind. Probably because his eyes were plucked out by a Griffin. I guess he’ll have to dwell in caves then.

( Griffin – Jazz or funk band.)

III. Guitar – All the physical attacks made by the scaled tyrant.

1. Rhythm Guitar – Any attacks or acts of aggression made by the dragon. These are mainly with the claws and/or fangs.
2. Lead Guitar and Solo – The furious tail which is broader, faster and sharper than 10,000 Knights’ Swords.

• This is finest weapon in the dragon’s arsenal.

• When you hear a Pinched Harmonic (a true guitar squeal,) that is when the dragon has slain a king or ruler.

IV. Vocals – The cavernous mouth of the Dragon. The loud cry of the lead singer is equal to the deafening screech of the Dragon.

• Scream or Yell – None other than the Dragon’s Breath of Fire! Its dangerous stream of sulfur burns any and every village in it’s way.

Obviously not every Metal band screams, so not all dragons breathe fire (but all the scariest ones do).

I hope this has been another educating entry. I know I’ve learn a few things or two. Prehaps I have a new Nemesis? Probably not. I wouldn’t stand and chance against a Dragon. But maybe I could ride a dragon….hmm….

NOTE: This isn’t an example of the type of dragon I’m talking about. It’s just to make my point. If JOURNEY were a dragon, they’d be Falcor. Non-Scary too the max.

Several weeks ago, one early Sunday morning, I awoke to a loud single sake of the roof (My room is third story loft. Pretty sweet, I know…). To my surprise, the sky was glooming in through the windows, a neon yellowy green. “Oh freak yes!” I thought to myself as I jumped up and turned my music onto the ominous anthem of the Scorpions, “Here I am, rock you like a Hurricane.” I was pumped! I went to the balcony to make my perch. I was getting ready for a funnelly cloud of fury! But no such thing came, in fact the wind died down all together. Lame!

So you might be thinking, “Why in the world would you pumped for a Tornado? Tornadoes are hella-scary!” Because my friend, me and those Dirt Devilly Demons have a score to settle! In the last recent years, I have had recurring dreams of Tornadoes. And in these dreams I have met my demise 2 out of 3 times.

Tornado Dream # 1 : War is Waged!

The Weather was nasty in the afternoon. I was at my house in Fredericksburg, where we live in a heavily wooded neighborhood and have a long ravel driveway. I Remember vividly going up to my room window and seeing a monster of smoke and light forming into a Tornado. Before I knew it, it was screaming a spinning toward me. A random friend ran into the room and said we had to take cover. We ran over to the next room and sat on the floor against the bed as that stupid idiot of a tornado rip into my house.

Tornado Dream # 2 : The Ambush!

It was a dark early morning, and I was at my first house in Santa Fe, NM. I was going was leaving to go to work before my parents woke (maybe I was sneaking out). The front door violently blew open when I was trying to shut it as I left. “I best hurry to the car,” I thought as the skies became more violent. At my parent’s white Toyota Cryssida, I struggled to unlock the car door, when out of the sky a howling and vengeful Tornado spun me around 180 degrees. I began screaming for my parents, but it was too late. The F4 sucked up me up good. I remember getting a numbing and prickling feeling all over my body. The End. Role Credits. I then Woke up thinking, “Did I just die in that dream?”

Tornado Dream # 3 : TD3:The Final Funnel

This time I was outside in some random backyard with a swimming pool trying to cover up some boxes and trees with blue tarps, in a Electrical Storm. As I was almost done, I started to throw a tarp over this one tree, and then the strength of the wind picked me up by the tarp ten feet off the ground, then put me down. Before I could think to put the tarp down and run inside like a scared child, something picked me up again faster and stronger. I was pulled high above the swimming pool, were I was then struck by lightening and light flashed all around me. Numbness. Role Credits. The End. I woke up thinking, “I died again in Dream World!” Although in this dream I might have technically died by lightening, it seemed all too close to the other ones.

After having these deathly tornado dreams, it has lead me to one conclusion.

I must duel and master this tornado!

I have called these Meteorological Menaces out and demand that we have it out once and for all! Pecos Bill style!

Of course terms would have to be agreed upon in such an epic battle. The Meeting of the Terms and Rules would go something like this;

Mike Sanders: Term 1 – We meet on natural ground. No Tornado Valley!
Tornado: Fine, I’ll come to you…(like I’ve always had! MWAHAHA!!)

Mike Sanders: Term 2 – You can’t run away
Tornado: Term 2 – YOU can’t runaway

Mike Sanders: Term 3 – No throwing of gas tankers.
Tornado: Term 4 – No stupid Bill Paxton antics of any kind.

Mike Sanders: – Term 5 – If you swallow me up and I don’t die after five mintues, I get to have full control over you and therefore you are tamed!
Tornado: Term 6 – If you die, more like WHEN you die, I win.

Mike Sanders: This is my destiny!
Tornado: Prepare to meet your maker.
Mike Sanders: LET’S DO THIS!!!!

(click the tornado to see the winner)

Here’s a little theory I’ve been developing for a while. It all started less than 2 years ago with the help from a friend or two. It’s a work progress…

Cool/Uncool Identity Theory

In everyone’s own perspective, everything in the known universe can be defined and broken down into two categories. Cool and Uncool. They can be developed and processed into a series of things I like to call Coolness Identities. But in order to walk, we must first learn crawl.

Examples:

• James Brown = Cool
• Adolph Hitler = Uncool
• Pop Rocks Candy = Cool
• A punch in the face = Uncool

This is what I call the Coolness Definition. It’s very basic known truths and opinions are wildly shared by the masses. In some cases stereotypes apply here too.

Now, everyone can agree that there are things in this world that can’t be so simply defined, right? That’s when Coolness Correction takes play. Things that were once “Cool”, but not anymore, would be “Cool-Uncool”.

Examples:

• Popped Collars = Cool-Uncool
• the saying “Sike” = Cool-Uncool

Ouch! Why is this so? Because this is were things had high favor once, but then faded in time or the Supply and Demand of Coolness lowered.

Wait. What the crap is Supply and Demand of Coolness? It’s like regular Supply and Demand only with Coolness instead of capital.

Now what if it is reversed? Uncool becomes worthy of Cool. This is Uncool-Cool.

Examples:

• Math Rock = Uncool-Cool
• Vintage Station Wagons = Uncool-Cool

*Most things Indipendent or Counter culture aim to be this Coolness Identity (at least for short while…)

Then there is the final types, which a third Coolness is added. This is the Coolness Counter Correction. “Cool-Uncool-Cool” and “Uncool-Cool-Uncool”

Examples:

• Cassette tapes = Cool-Uncool-Cool
• Mullets = Cool-Uncool-Cool
• 80′s Fashion = Cool-Uncool-Cool
• Some corny Puns = Cool-Uncool-Cool

Most of the things in this category, are usually appreciated for its absurdity or things that have comebacks.

And then the Uncool-Cool-Uncool

Examples:

• Hot Topic = Uncool-Cool-Uncool
• Napoleon Dynamite quotes = Uncool-Cool-Uncool
• Parkour = Uncool-Cool-Uncool
• Blogging – Uncool-Cool-Uncool

These things are the overkill Coolness Identities.

In Final, There are six different types of coolness.

1. Cool
2. Uncool
3. Cool-uncool
4. Uncool-cool
5. Cool-uncool-cool
6. Uncool-cool-Uncool

(x) = Definition —-> Correction —-> Counter Correction

All of these Coolness Identities are really just brake downs of the Ultimate Coolness Identities which are Cool and Uncool. These can be found out by looking at the last variable in the equation.

Now, Let us brake down one equation:

CHUCK NORRIS

I believe…

Chuck Norris = Cool-Uncool-Cool

Coolness Definition = Cool. Because he’s a sweet kicking boxing Champion, and a Christian actor with beard.

Coolness Correction = Uncool. His show was really bad. Too many info-mercials too.

Coolness Counter Correction = His show was so bad it was funny, Chuck Norris facts, etc.

Coolness Ultimate Identity = COOL!

So that is my Cool/Uncool Identity Theory. I hope you all use it your daily lives. And spread the jolly word of my cool teachings.

- Michael