OMG Ghosts!

OMG! So I’m sitting here, outside on my deck, enjoying the beautiful October ni, and I decided to give a some photographical progress of my diabolical beard on my Mac, in artic Sepia and I get THESE!

@#$%@#$%@#!

So this ain’t no “real” blog entry. I’m just letting you know what might happen when you take a picture of yourself on a Mac in Sepia. Take heed.

Story developing….

The Corner (Phase 2)

So there’s this shady vacant building on the corner my street at East Linden and Braddock, across from the Yate’s Auto Parts (most expensive gas on the planet) and around the corner from the “world’s sketchiest 7-11” (it’s the crossroads of all Alexandria’s social classes where they buy their Black&Mild’s, Slurpies, under priced Chiken Hog Dogs, etc.) It resembles an old crummy decaying building that someone once decided to paint several coats of white, making it neighborhood friendly, but in actuality, looking like the paint is holding the building together. There are also only a few windows which happen to be tinted black. hmmm….

Most people would be wary of such a lecherous structure, but not me. Because I believe it will be the sight of new my business(es). What’s business(es) you ask? Well, what will it not be, I ask you!(..?) It will be my little shady warehouse of all things Michael Sanders.

First off, in order to keep the legendary Tower (Phase 1) in working process, funds must be raised. The Electric bill has sky rocketed since the Situation Room has gone fully operational.
Someone has to pay for the weekly cleaning and sanitizing of the Ball Room!
Someone has to pay Daft Punk for Playing at my House!
Someone has to pay for the landscaping of the Porch of the Pegasus!
Someone has to fill the fridge with sweet sweet mead in the Pirate Baaaarrr!
It is clear that I must buy, rent, or conquer the white warehouse of unknown solitude that resides on the corner of East Linden and Braddrock, known now as The Corner.

Sub-Phase 1: Rent it, OR Break into it!

For a while there was this big yellow H3 parked outside. Drug house? Whatever! I have the Lord on my side, and it is His will that I march in and conquer any drug, pimp and crack dens that lay in the path of my empire, if need be.
OR I’ll just call up a commercial realtor.

Sub-Phase 2: Set up Shop

I figure most businesses must start small and simple, but where’s the innovation in that?!? Therefore I have decided to start off with 7 separate operations, each on a different day of the week.

Below, is a preview of the signs and descriptions of each daily business.

MONDAYS:

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It’s best to start off with what you know and do already (for the most part…) The first logical step is putting an actual roof over an existing business or trade. Now I will be able to work on existing Glorious Graphic projects, have in house design meetings and appointments with clients. The Tattoo Parlor will be the new addition to the company. After always getting, 
“Dude, you should do tattoos for real, instead drawing on my arm!” and “Can you draw my a sweet skull eating a sun? I want to get it inked onto my lower back!”, I will be able answer all the questionable questions of body art.

NOTE: There will be no suns, barbwire, tribal designs, Chinese, Cantonese, or any other Asian characters unlessgoing on a customer of Asian descent, tramp stamps, evil clowns, gangster clowns, or sports team icons/numbers/mascots tattooed to anyone at Glorious Graphics and Tattoo Parlor.


TUESDAYS:

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On Tuesdays we’ll be taking the time to give back the community. “Hobo Meals for Hobos” will be a tasty alternative to the usual soup kitchens for the homeless and displaced. First off, what is a Hobo Meal? It is a delicious delicacy of seasoned chopped meat, chopped garlic potatoes, carrots, corn, etc., pilled into a heap inside a tin foil pod and then cooked and roasted on a campfire! (or in this case, a barrel fire.) At night it will be opened into a Chipotle styled restaurant.


WEDNESDAYS:

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A slightly more “down low” business. “Bird Fight!” puts together different free range trained birds such was roosters pigeons, crows, turkeys, etc. in all out bird on bird combat. 

NOTE: All business will be made on ticket sales ALONE. We will not be held responsible for any actions or incidents involving the fatal injury or death of a bird. All birds will sign a death weaver before combat. (…with their BEAKS dipped in INK, that’s HOW!)


THURSDAYS:

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Thursdays will be devoted to self defense training while receiving a cardiovascular workout. At “Fist Punch: Celtic Cardio Dojo” you will learn mixed martial arts from such disciplines as Scottish Brute-Do, Orange belt level Hapkido Karate, and “this one thing I learned to do to someone’s arm with a 2 inch pocket knife”. Learn new logical self defense tips like keeping a large rock under your car seat.

NOTE: In addition, spin classes will be offered in the winter.

FRIDAYS:

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Ah…my favorite day of business. During the day, The Dance Corner will offer dance lessons by the dance machine himself, Michael Sanders. Learn such moves as the “Jive Turkey”, the “Jumping Jared”, “Crazy Legs”, “It’s almost the Robot”, and much more. Then at night, The Dance Corner turns into a fully operational Night Club. woot woot.


SATURDAYS: 

In the vein of Medieval Times and Colonial Williamsburg, I bring you “The Gypsy Town” Bring the family and enjoy the entertainment, with authentic Eastern European Gypsies, spicy/garlicy food, crystal ball readings, Euro-carnies, grifters, juggling, meat on a stick, authentic jewelry making, spin dancing, creepy old people, wild gypsy dogs, dancing sloth bears, pick pocketing orphans and much more fun! While the gypsies will provide all entertainment and vending, the Corner will take a cut of 40% of all profits (Even though I’ll tell the Gypsies 50%….cause I know they’ll try to short hand me regardless.)


SUNDAYS:

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Take ride in a Hot Air Balloon around historic Old Town Alexandria and have the best view of all the DC Metro area! (With the optional Bible Study in the Sky.) This is actually a good idea. If only the Airport wasn’t so close…

Well, there you have it. Phase 2 of 12 in the Michael Sanders Empire: Small Commerce. The Dreams will only get bigger… Stay tuned.

Pictures of the Past from the Future?

The other night I had the most peculiar thing happen to me. I woke up to the sound of a strange loud clap from outside the Crow’s Nest. As I approached the door of the deck, it immediately swung open where a man to my equal stood before me. This is what was said:

“Michael! You have to let me in! There isn’t much time!”
“Dad?!?”
“No, I’m not the ghost of your Dad! I am YOU! From the FUTURE!”
“Aaaaaaaaah!”
“ Do not be afraid, I have time traveled here on urgent business.”
“Wow! What’s the future like? How many Phases of mine are complete? How’d I get the eye patch? Are my kids in trouble? I’m I still sing–”
“–There isn’t much time to explain these mere queries. [Also, it’s against Time Travel Code Act to tell someone there own destiny that awaits them.]”
“….oh…ok then.”
“You must hear me and hear me clear. I [ we ] have made the mistake of making an evil clone of ourselves that has time travelled all over the world dating back to before WWII and has been planting his evil clone seed with different women over the span of 40 years!”
“WHAT!? I have evil clone sons that are all older than me?!?”
“Well if you want to get technical, they are your evil clone’s sons, not yours, but yes pretty much.”
“But what does this mean for me?”
“You must find them, my dear self, and then you must destroy them. They are pure evil and they hold the key to a diabolical plot to end the world.”
“How am I supposed to find them?”
“Take these senior pictures of them; I have included all the information that will help you find them.”

He then gave me a small stack of pictures with information written out on the back of each of them. He stepped out back onto the Crow’s Nest, where there was a loud clap, and like that he was gone.
“Goodbye, my future self!”

It was so strange… but nothing could prepare me for the disturbing senior pictures before me. 

I present these to you as evidence of these sons of my evil clone from the future:

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Mitch Miles McGiff

Born: 1970 in Quebec, Canada
Picture taken: Spring of 1987What we know: Mitch Miles McGiff spent most of is young life in between surveying various Northeast American colleges and pledging in various fraternities, which all ended in failure and in out-of-court settlements. He was last seen working at his uncle’s moose farm in Frenchtown, Maine.

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“Miff” Tanner Sanders

Born: 1939 in Lincoln, Nebraska
Picture taken: Fall of 1956
What we know: Miff holds the Jedediah Benson High School record for most terms as Student Council President, winning 5 out of 6 times. In the sixth, he was forced to withdraw from the race after his involvement in aiding the Butter-Crisper Gang in the kidnapping of the Elmersville High School mascot, Elmer the potbelly pig. After High School it is said that he relocated to suburban Texas where he would become a door-to-door salesman selling novelty embroidered toaster covers.

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Michael O'Mannell Saunders

Alias: Crazy Old Mick
Born: 1941 in Glasgow, Scotland, UK
Picture taken: Fall of 1974 (faculty picture)
What we know: In the 60s, Mick moved to the states from Scotland and became a high school English teacher in New Jersey. In the 70s he was dubbed “Crazy Old Mick” after throwing a blackboard at a student who called him Irish. He was later diagnosed severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Turrets Syndrome, and Arthritis.

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Jørgan Hagen I of the Danes

Picture taken: Summer of 1964
What we know: Jørgan was born into the Royal Danish Family. After the father was never found out (Evil Clone Michael), it was decided that he would never become the rightful king of Denmark. When old enough, he was shipped off to boarding school in London. After school, he returned to Denmark, where he promised to overthrow his Danish family and was then locked away out of public eye. He disappeared sometime in the 80s after escaping from a German discotheque fire.

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Russ Vleakman

Born: 1959 in Flint, Michigan
Picture taken: Fall or 1976
What we know: Russ was a high school drop out. He had spent most of his early years working on cars and going to roller discos with his black friends. It is assumed that he's doing the exact same thing today as he was then, just instead of roller discos, he is going to the local Waffle House.

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Micah Suarez

Born: 1966 in Culpepper, Virginia
Picture taken: Winter of 1979
What we know: There are only two things known about Micah; His love for Metal and renaissance fairs

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MDJ-1.2.3

Born: 1977 in San Diego, California
Picture taken: Summer of 1995
What we know: MDJ.-1.2.3 is an amateur motivational hip-hop artist. He has last been seen selling cassette tapes outside various shopping centers in the greater San Diego area. He has had various parking lot hits, such as “Sleep When Yo Dead”, “Find the Time, not your Nine”, and “Pack Lunches, Not Heat”.

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Michael Michaels

Born: 1974 in Columbus, Georgia
Picture taken: Summer of 1993
What we know: Michael Michaels was raised out of a tracker trailer rig for the first 12 years of his life. After completing a family record of 2 and half years of high school, Michaels dropped out and when straight to Firework Stand School to get his associate’s degree in Firework Stand Management. He has spent the last several years smuggling large amounts of illegal fireworks in between state lines.

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Mike Saunders

Born: 1983 in Fredericksburg, Virginia
Picture taken: Spring of 2002
What we know: Mike was born on the east coast, but at the age of 15, his parents moved him to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Michael soon found passions for suping Honda Civics, Dave Matthew’s Band, and frosting his hair. Mike was last seen living in Albuquerque, New Mexico working as an accountant for an insurance company. He is now 350 lb. and drives a Scion.

 

So those are the “facts"  on these alleged evil clone sons. It looks like I’ll be spending some time finding cheap tickets to Denmark soon. I look forward to meeting these people or meeting my future self again.

The Troubling Mind of 10 Year Old Michael Sanders Pt. 2

It’s that time again! That’s right folks, we now continue diving future into the psychy of little 10 year ol’ Michael J.

Again, it was fourth grade in Mrs. Shandler’s class. this time it was Cereal Box designing! “Great! Let’s see what kid of cracked out malice on paper the Sanders kid can crank out.” I do not recall if this was before or after the Hannibal the Cannibal’s Cafe debacle. But Although it was not as troubling as before, it still was creepy and bizarrely creative to say the least.

This is the menu I came up with:

 
 

Eat it up folks.

BAREF OATS! and don’t forget kids, ‘Oats! It’s Smelly, It’s Looksvery Goodit!’”

I must have not been around anyone to ask how to spell the key most important word in the entire project “barf”, at the time. And due to trademark laws, we will just have to stick with “Baref Oaks.”

Also, let’s make sure eveyone is clear that Baref Oats are NOT 100% FAT FREE! They could be at little fat free, or even not at all, we aren’t really that sure. We just don’t want to give the wrong impression of our product. Vagueness is what we want in a child’s diet.

While other brands rely on sugars, nuts, and even dried fruit, we at Baref Oats rely on the only the following ingredients.

  • Baref Brokly - not to be confused with barfed up broccoli. It’s different!
  • Baref Bamana - not to confused with barfed up bananas. Also different!
  • Baref Blue - wait. What? If I ever barf up anything blue, please call poison control.
  • Molb - I have so many questions about this one I don’t know where to start!
    • Is it some sort of type of bacteria that comes from a stomach?
    • Did you mean mold?
    • How would you not die from this?

Don’t forget to dig out your “Hole Penny” prize at the bottom box when you are done.

And no comment on the floating head with scary yellow animal-esk teeth. Yeesh!

Tune in next time when we unveal the next cereal “Ebola Granola” (that was my in 7th grade year. A monkey dancing with a guy in a hazmat suite was on the cover. Another blog, another day.)