The other night I had the most peculiar thing happen to me. I woke up to the sound of a strange loud clap from outside the Crow’s Nest. As I approached the door of the deck, it immediately swung open where a man to my equal stood before me. This is what was said:
“Michael! You have to let me in! There isn’t much time!”
“No, I’m not the ghost of your Dad! I am YOU! From the FUTURE!”
“ Do not be afraid, I have time traveled here on urgent business.”
“Wow! What’s the future like? How many Phases of mine are complete? How’d I get the eye patch? Are my kids in trouble? I’m I still sing–”
“–There isn’t much time to explain these mere queries. [Also, it’s against Time Travel Code Act to tell someone there own destiny that awaits them.]”
“You must hear me and hear me clear. I [ we ] have made the mistake of making an evil clone of ourselves that has time travelled all over the world dating back to before WWII and has been planting his evil clone seed with different women over the span of 40 years!”
“WHAT!? I have evil clone sons that are all older than me?!?”
“Well if you want to get technical, they are your evil clone’s sons, not yours, but yes pretty much.”
“But what does this mean for me?”
“You must find them, my dear self, and then you must destroy them. They are pure evil and they hold the key to a diabolical plot to end the world.”
“How am I supposed to find them?”
“Take these senior pictures of them; I have included all the information that will help you find them.”
He then gave me a small stack of pictures with information written out on the back of each of them. He stepped out back onto the Crow’s Nest, where there was a loud clap, and like that he was gone.
“Goodbye, my future self!”
It was so strange… but nothing could prepare me for the disturbing senior pictures before me.
I present these to you as evidence of these sons of my evil clone from the future:
Mitch Miles McGiff
Born: 1970 in Quebec, Canada
Picture taken: Spring of 1987What we know: Mitch Miles McGiff spent most of is young life in between surveying various Northeast American colleges and pledging in various fraternities, which all ended in failure and in out-of-court settlements. He was last seen working at his uncle’s moose farm in Frenchtown, Maine.
“Miff” Tanner Sanders
Born: 1939 in Lincoln, Nebraska
Picture taken: Fall of 1956
What we know: Miff holds the Jedediah Benson High School record for most terms as Student Council President, winning 5 out of 6 times. In the sixth, he was forced to withdraw from the race after his involvement in aiding the Butter-Crisper Gang in the kidnapping of the Elmersville High School mascot, Elmer the potbelly pig. After High School it is said that he relocated to suburban Texas where he would become a door-to-door salesman selling novelty embroidered toaster covers.
Michael O'Mannell Saunders
Alias: Crazy Old Mick
Born: 1941 in Glasgow, Scotland, UK
Picture taken: Fall of 1974 (faculty picture)
What we know: In the 60s, Mick moved to the states from Scotland and became a high school English teacher in New Jersey. In the 70s he was dubbed “Crazy Old Mick” after throwing a blackboard at a student who called him Irish. He was later diagnosed severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Turrets Syndrome, and Arthritis.
Jørgan Hagen I of the Danes
Picture taken: Summer of 1964
What we know: Jørgan was born into the Royal Danish Family. After the father was never found out (Evil Clone Michael), it was decided that he would never become the rightful king of Denmark. When old enough, he was shipped off to boarding school in London. After school, he returned to Denmark, where he promised to overthrow his Danish family and was then locked away out of public eye. He disappeared sometime in the 80s after escaping from a German discotheque fire.
Born: 1959 in Flint, Michigan
Picture taken: Fall or 1976
What we know: Russ was a high school drop out. He had spent most of his early years working on cars and going to roller discos with his black friends. It is assumed that he's doing the exact same thing today as he was then, just instead of roller discos, he is going to the local Waffle House.
Born: 1966 in Culpepper, Virginia
Picture taken: Winter of 1979
What we know: There are only two things known about Micah; His love for Metal and renaissance fairs
Born: 1977 in San Diego, California
Picture taken: Summer of 1995
What we know: MDJ.-1.2.3 is an amateur motivational hip-hop artist. He has last been seen selling cassette tapes outside various shopping centers in the greater San Diego area. He has had various parking lot hits, such as “Sleep When Yo Dead”, “Find the Time, not your Nine”, and “Pack Lunches, Not Heat”.
Born: 1974 in Columbus, Georgia
Picture taken: Summer of 1993
What we know: Michael Michaels was raised out of a tracker trailer rig for the first 12 years of his life. After completing a family record of 2 and half years of high school, Michaels dropped out and when straight to Firework Stand School to get his associate’s degree in Firework Stand Management. He has spent the last several years smuggling large amounts of illegal fireworks in between state lines.
Born: 1983 in Fredericksburg, Virginia
Picture taken: Spring of 2002
What we know: Mike was born on the east coast, but at the age of 15, his parents moved him to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Michael soon found passions for suping Honda Civics, Dave Matthew’s Band, and frosting his hair. Mike was last seen living in Albuquerque, New Mexico working as an accountant for an insurance company. He is now 350 lb. and drives a Scion.
So those are the “facts" on these alleged evil clone sons. It looks like I’ll be spending some time finding cheap tickets to Denmark soon. I look forward to meeting these people or meeting my future self again.